Yapping because i want to

ohhh i hate to admit that i attracted to my co-worker guy. so basically he just a humble-easy going-easy to talk guy with standard looking (even i admit that his looks and his fashion choices is not my taste). in fact, he's not even my type. i don't typically like a guy like him, but something in his personality reminds me of .... myself. okay this is weird. no, i don't think we're look alike in terms of personality. instead, he's my opposite. but he has some good traits that i wish i have them all. like he's very sociable, always have certain topics to start or continue a conversation, know how to behave in society, free spirit, brave enough to speak up for his disagreement, reckless but still has responsibility, very productive and always make 'something' like crafts, and etc. that's the lists of things that i don't have.

i realize, i am not really atracted to him because the way he is, but i attracted because i am projecting all of my insecurities to his 'good' behavior. i look forward and i imagine myself if i have all of those personality traits, maybe my life could be better. maybe i can be the best version of myself. but right now, i am just an insecure-shy-low self esteem girl who confused about what should i chase in life.

and i admit too that i never ever have attention from guys. i never have a boyfrriend, never have a 'hts' or situationship too. so his small casual action, make me catch feeling. like he lowered passanger footrest for me or he folded my umbrella when it's dry.

so because of that, i realize i just wanted attention from opposite sex. i am craving that. even i think my feelings to him more like just admiration. sometimes i should remind myself, i should do it casual, no feeling attached, and focus on myself, focus on to be a better version of me. but that feeling always come and go. i am tired, and i dont have experience for this situation. argh!

but he also make me feel worse or mad, like he always talk about himself, and mainsplain everything, but never ask me back. he's too oversharing and he's the type of personsplaining because he always explain certain topic to everyone regardless gender and age. maybe it's his communication styles. but still, can you imagine for 2-3 hours you have to listen a guy talk about anything but he never ask you back. something like ask your daily life or the damn progress that you shared with him in whatsapp. i want to talk too but when i talk he wasn't seem excited and i have troubled to explain about certain topic/experience because i am not used to tell a story. honestly i feel mad inside my heart, maybe i am too sensitive, maybe he wasn't mean to. but i still annoyed. that's why, i still not open up to him. i don't really trust him.

eh, i am thinking too much. anyway, i should brush my teeth and sleep.

good night

agembul

CHAT GPT CORRECTION

Ohhh, I hate to admit that I’m attracted to my co-worker.

Basically, he’s just a humble, easygoing, and approachable guy with an average look (even I have to admit that his style and fashion choices are not my taste). In fact, he's not even my type. I don’t typically like guys like him, but something about his personality reminds me of… myself. Okay, that sounds weird. No, I don’t think we’re alike in terms of personality. In fact, he’s my opposite. But he has certain traits that I wish I had.

He’s sociable, always has something to talk about, knows how to carry himself in social settings, and has a free spirit. He’s brave enough to speak up when he disagrees, reckless but still responsible, and constantly creating something—crafts, projects, or whatever. And those are all the things I don’t have.

I realize now that I’m not really attracted to him because of who he is, but rather because I’m projecting my insecurities onto his "good" qualities. When I see him, I imagine how different my life could be if I had those traits. Maybe I’d be the best version of myself. But right now, I’m just an insecure, shy, low self-esteem girl, lost and confused about what I should be chasing in life.

And I have to admit—I’ve never really had attention from guys. I’ve never had a boyfriend, never even had an HTS (situationship). So, his small, casual gestures make me catch feelings. Like when he lowered the passenger footrest for me or when he folded my umbrella after it dried.

Because of that, I realize that what I truly crave is attention from the opposite sex. I want it. Maybe my feelings for him are more like admiration than real attraction. Sometimes, I have to remind myself to keep it casual, to not get emotionally attached, and to focus on myself—on becoming a better version of me. But these feelings come and go, and I’m tired. I have no experience dealing with this. Argh!

But honestly, he also makes me feel worse sometimes—he always talks about himself, explains everything, and never asks me anything in return. He overshares too much, and he's the type of person who constantly explains things to everyone, regardless of gender or age. Maybe it’s just his communication style, but still—can you imagine having to listen to a guy talk endlessly without him once asking about your day or the progress of something you shared with him on WhatsApp?

I want to talk too, but when I do, he doesn’t seem interested. And I struggle to explain my thoughts because I’m not used to telling stories. Honestly, it makes me mad inside. Maybe I’m just being too sensitive. Maybe he doesn’t mean it that way. But still, I feel annoyed. That’s why I don’t fully open up to him. I don’t really trust him.

Ugh, I’m overthinking again.

Anyway, I should just brush my teeth and go to sleep.

Good night,
Agembul.