Tulisan Asal : Reborn!

 so recently i sneaked or i was just about scrolling and reading any threads in taylorswift snark subreddit. it was very entertaining to see the true self of this billionaire. like, why back then she had conflict with katy perry about backup dancers. back then i was a little so i ate all the narrations she made innocently. but even though i was just a 12 year old student, it was weird to me that she always have problems with people. and she always be the victim (narrationly--idk if it is a correct term anyway). she always made her exes to be her subjects of her works. yeah being so inspired by someone is amazing and a good move to an artist. but to always made your ex boyfriends to be the inspiration of your songs without any consent from them it's very inappropriate. you cross the boundaries already. and it makes you lost respect from them. yeah ex is ex. but we dont know the other perspective right? all this we had been served that she was the victim. always be. but now, a decade...

 gw barusan ini dapet rejeki nomplok. gw emang kepikiran kalo pergi kerja bawa motor. tapi gw blm punya motor saat itu. gw kepikiran suatu saat kalo gw bener2 butuh, gw mau beli motor. ya nanti aja ga sekarang ini. gw blm butuh2 banget. eh tau ga sih, motor abang gw dikirim balik ke rumah karna dia abis beli motor baru. jadi di rumah ada 3 motor. satu punya emak gw, satu yg biasa bapak gw pake (mio) itu dikasih ke gw, dan motor abang gw dipake bapak gw. woahhh asli, ending apa lagi ini :v. bener2 ga terduga. ahha kaykanya ini kabar baik dari semua berita yang ada. alhamdulillah, rejeki anak solehah :D agembul

 dulu gw sempet berpikir, gimana ya keadaan crush gw kalo gw tiba2 resign karna dapet pekerjaan baru. atau gw ngebayangin say goodbye untuk yang terakhir kalinya sebelum kita berpisah dan ga ketemu lagi. tapi skrg, bahkan kayaknya yang duluan resign dia deh. emang belum final, tapi laga-laga nya sih bakal out duluan. dia udah ga pernah dateng lagi ke kantor, bahkan ga ngasih kabar apa2. chat gw jg jarang dibales. gw dan dia jadi asing karna jarak dan waktu. gak pernah terpikirkan bagi gw perpisahannya bakal begini. ga ada say goodbye, ga ada momen terkahir ketemu, ga ada ngobrol2 lain. impression gw ke dia bahkan sempet minus, dan skrg kembali netral bahkan positif. gw ngarepin dia kasih gw kado, tapi sepertinya itu cuma jadi angan2 belaka. bahkan minggu lalu mungkin adalah hari terakhir kita ketemu tatap muka sebelum jadi asing. dan jangan pernah berpikir bahwa dia akan ngajak gw keluar untuk makan bareng. it will never happen. dia sendiri bilang ga ada alasan yang pas untuk ngaja...

 gw bener2 ga nyangka ya endingnya bakal begini. ya emang sebenernya belum ending karna desember belum berakhir. tapi gw rasa yang terjadi kedepannya emang ga sesuai bayangan gw. dulu gw emang pernah punya plan, gw di perusahaan ini sampai desember aja. abis itu gw cari dan pindah ke company lain yg lebih besar dan lebih baik. well, hari ini... di pertengahan tahun sebenernya gw sempet berpikir kyknya gw ubah plan deh. kalo resign nanti aja deh jgn desember karna gw udh ngerasa nyaman. tapi bulan2 akhir tahun ini mulai merosot lagi penjualan, dan gw takut banget bakal di layoff dan jadi pengangguran tiba2. gw takut banget ngnggur lagi! disitu gw kepikiran untuk cari backupan kayak punya project freelance dll. yes gw akhirnya dapet project freelance dari temen kuliah gw dan itu konsisten tiap bulan. memang ga seberapa, tapi alhamdulillah buat freelance pertama kali lumayan lah dari pada engga sama skali. gw juga coba2 nyari loker baru. kepikiran untuk ikut ppg guru, ikut tes bumn, d...

 I cant sleepppppp. Fuck Gara2 bangun siang 2 hari ini, malemnya ga bisa tidur. Tolong gw! Gw ga bener2 tidur kemaren malem. Gimana ini. Tapi gw seneng jg karena hari ini gw udh check semua list gw. Gw kayak punya semangat buat produktif 2 hari ini. Ntah dari mana asalnya. Gw kyk lagi fase manic, kurang tidur, tapi produktif dan gas terus. Heran ada aja pasti fase ini tuh

 I always have a really bad memory. I always forget words, forget how to communicate, or how to arrange those words into sentences. My mind goes blank if i have to argue or give an opinion. I feel like my brain isnt fully functioning. Then i remembered it was called brain fog. Yes. I am not sure when i started having these   symptoms . But i realized something was wrong with me in early 2025 when my coworker talked to me and i couldnt pay attention to him or   respond him back.  Blank. Blank. That was all that i got. You dont know how frustrating it is when you want to tell your friends or family about your thoughts and what you want, but the words dont come up in your brain. You end up thinking for too long about what you want to say, and they are just waiting for you awkwardly. After all of this happened, i would rather shut up, stay silent, and be in a listener role more. I am trying guys. I am trying. Maybe i am just too anxious and stressed . Or i hav...

 Ya ampin lagi2 gw procrastinate kerjaan gw. Susahhh bgt rasanya mulai satu pekerjaan. Sumpah! Padahal hari ini gw libur. Harusnya gw udah apply job ke banyak perusahaan, Gw udah upload konten buat akun tiktok gw, gw udah nontonin tutorial rumus excel. Apa yg gw lakuin hari ini??? Doom scrolling ga kelar2. Literally gw susah, susah buat melakukan itu semuaa... Tapi gw barusan baca komentar dari salah satu short videonya dr. K, dan komentator itu bilang, dia berterima kasih pada dirinya karna sudah mengerjakan naskahnya selama 15 menit daripada 4 jam. Dan akhirnya dia bisa nyelesain naskahnya sampai jadi buku. Well, ngebaca itu mungkin gw jg harus kasih apresiasi ke diri gw, walau gw tau itu bareminimum. Tapii buat orang kayak gw yg struggle dengan procrastination selama beratahun2, punya anxiety yg parah jg dari dulu, apa yg gw lakukan sudah lumayan produktif dari pada seminggu sebelumnya. Ya gw akhirnya nyelesain komik jokian temen gw tadi. Abis itu gw coba2 ngecek website apply j...

 so gw mau recap apa apa ja yg udah gw raih di tahun 2025 ini 1. gw udah bisa bawa motor yeah bro, gw udh bisa kemana2 pake motor sekarang. pr gw tinggal ngafalin jalan aja. 2. gw udah bisa bawa mobil skrg minusnya parkir masih make insting ahaha. sama blm bikin sim. insyaallah bulan depan bikin sim a. 3. gw beli laptop baru well ga pake duit gw semua sih. setengahnya dari emak gw. duit gw pun dari tabungan tahun2 lalu itu. 4. gw ikutan lomba komik atleast jadi pengalaman buat storyboard webcomic deh. 5. yeah masih ada duit hasil ngejokiin tugas temen walaupun ga seberapa, tapi mayan deh buat beli kuota dan jajan di kopken. 6. komik collab gw udh masuk page 9 tinggal setengah jalan lagi beres. mungkin taun depan beres. selebihnya gw ga tau apa lagi yang udah gw raih, atau improving. gw masih ga nangkep. well mungkin kyk, gw yg makin self aware, gw yang udh nyoba banyak hal kyk touring jauh2. gw yg 'punya temen cowo'. gw yg makin sering keminggis ahaha.. well apa pun itu. semoga...

 i did nothing today other than finishing my comic-collab page and writing my all my thoughts on my blog. well atleast i wrote in english, so i was practi c ing that though. my english skills havent really improve since the day i started english on this blog. maybe there was a little improvement here and there but i didnt realize it. still, my level is b1, just like one year ago. i am still disappointed that i couldnt raised my standard/score this whole year. i want to get 550 on toefl. but can i get that? my grammar is still messy. i mix up all the grammar rules . why do other people get that score so easily? they even have really good speaking skills without a single stutter. they are very smooth and fluent. like right now , i am writing my thoughts in english, but i still can not figure out some words. why is it so hard to be fluent in a 2nd language? people who are really good at make me jealous. literally. i want to be like them so bad ly . them complaining in en...

i feel sad right now. i have to quickly find new job. my current job is ... unrealiable. my anxiety came again and made me procrastinate on finishing my whole plan  for finding a new job. i am so pissed at myself. i cant do anything right. like, i always doing something wrong. you can see all the grammar mistakes i made in this diary blog. my english skill s still suck, but i have to make them better as soon as possible cause this has to be one of my other skills besides my mediocre graphic design skill. i am never good at anything . Everything I make feels mid, and the skills I have are just the basic skills everyone else has . but i dream big enough to get a corporate job. how am i supposed to convince myself that i can pull that off? i dont feel confident enough for this. i wanna cryy. i am confused. i wanna switch careers to data entry or admin, but i dont have enough excel skills. i have to work on that. but what should i do first? rewrite my cv? edit my entire por...

 they all make me feel unimportant. my college friend has not even respond ed my chat yet. yet she posted the comic i made for her last night, but she chose not to comment or respond my question on wa since tuesday. maybe she was so busy that my chat didnt seem important to her. but why so suddenly? she never did that before. my hangout friend too, she didnt respond to my last message . and my coworker looked so busy this week. my last chat has not even been seen by him even though i wrote and sent my reply as soon as possible after he message me. like, the moment he texted me, i sent my answer, but he didnt respond. did he even look at the notification? did he hear the notification sound? or when he took a lunch break, did he even check his phone? but it didnt seem like he did . i am here anyway , like an unemployed, bored, disinterested, unmotivated young woman at 26, seeking all the validation from others , that i want . the reality is so upsetting. i am nev...

 Gw lagi2 merasa insecure bgt dibanding temen2 lama gw. Temen lama yg gw maksud itu kyk temen smp sma gitu deh. Kyk mereka udah banyak banget pencapaian. Udah banyak banget perubahan positif. Sedangkan gw masih terlihat gini2 aja. Bahkan banyak orang bilang muka gw ga berubah dari dulu. Gw bener2 pgn tau deh apa sih sisi positif gw dari kacamata orang lain. Karna gw ga bisa melihat apa2 dari diri gw. Emang sih ada yg bilang gw kritis, gw kreatif, work ethic gw bagus. Tapi gw tetep aja ga percaya itu semua. Gw tetep minta penjelasan logis dari semua pernyataan itu. Gw sangat tidak percaya dan yakin. Bahkan gw ga merasa diri gw cantik. Ya ampun, kok gw gini bgt ya. Ditambah gw jomblo makin meyakinkan gw memang ga menarik di pasaran. Gw ga tau apa yg bagus dari diri gw. Gw ga tau lagi mau nulis apa. Udah lah gw lanjut nnati Agembul

today, i had the opportunity to get my skck done. i am still off from work due to the small numbers of client orders (since my company heavily relies on client orders to make this business work). and it has been already 3 days i am off from work . so i thought it was a sign for me to do my skck today. i was collected all the documents for skck, like kk, ktp, surat sidik jari, etc. and you know what? in the end they only needed 2 ktp-copies, and payment bill. that's it. shittt, why did it feel so complicated last year? i had to copy my kk or whatever it is. and also i gave some 4x6 photos to them. so that's why i prepared too much for this. the at the office was very rude. like i know she was tired of her job, but can you be more gentle and friendly? i made a mistake for not really pay attention to what she said, but her reaction was so unfriendly. like she was really upset with me. i got bad mood for entire skck session and the worst that i was hungry too. it didnt stop there. ...