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Sebenernya gw ini gimana?

 Gw lagi2 merasa insecure bgt dibanding temen2 lama gw. Temen lama yg gw maksud itu kyk temen smp sma gitu deh. Kyk mereka udah banyak banget pencapaian. Udah banyak banget perubahan positif. Sedangkan gw masih terlihat gini2 aja. Bahkan banyak orang bilang muka gw ga berubah dari dulu. Gw bener2 pgn tau deh apa sih sisi positif gw dari kacamata orang lain. Karna gw ga bisa melihat apa2 dari diri gw. Emang sih ada yg bilang gw kritis, gw kreatif, work ethic gw bagus. Tapi gw tetep aja ga percaya itu semua. Gw tetep minta penjelasan logis dari semua pernyataan itu. Gw sangat tidak percaya dan yakin. Bahkan gw ga merasa diri gw cantik. Ya ampun, kok gw gini bgt ya. Ditambah gw jomblo makin meyakinkan gw memang ga menarik di pasaran. Gw ga tau apa yg bagus dari diri gw. Gw ga tau lagi mau nulis apa. Udah lah gw lanjut nnati Agembul

i cant control the universe

today, i had the opportunity to get my skck done. i am still off from work due to the small numbers of client orders (since my company heavily relies on client orders to make this business work). and it has been already 3 days i am off from work . so i thought it was a sign for me to do my skck today. i was collected all the documents for skck, like kk, ktp, surat sidik jari, etc. and you know what? in the end they only needed 2 ktp-copies, and payment bill. that's it. shittt, why did it feel so complicated last year? i had to copy my kk or whatever it is. and also i gave some 4x6 photos to them. so that's why i prepared too much for this. the at the office was very rude. like i know she was tired of her job, but can you be more gentle and friendly? i made a mistake for not really pay attention to what she said, but her reaction was so unfriendly. like she was really upset with me. i got bad mood for entire skck session and the worst that i was hungry too. it didnt stop there. ...

Comfort

 At this point gw merasa perasaan crush gw ke gw itu ga sama kyk perasaan gw ke crush gw. Kyknya dia menganggap gw temen yg asik diajak bercanda aja. Gw jadi comfort girl dia ketika dia butuh validasi. Entah itu validasi dalam bentuk pamer, didengarkan, atau simplenya mau dilihat sebagai laki laki kuat. Apa yg dia lakukan ke gw itu sangat2 ambigu. Tapi gw harus yakinin diri gw, kalo sampe lu bingung dan dia ngasih sinyal ambigu mulu tanpa action, kemungkinan memamg lu cuma jadi comfort friend aja. Dan sampai saat ini dia masih begitu. Ah au ah gw males lanjutinnya

Udah check list

 Gw rasa doa doa gw mulai terkabul. Ya terkabul, walaupun beda dari yg gw bayangin. Ahah.. Misalnya, gw pernah kepengen bgt punya side income. Dan ya akhirnya gw dapet jokian tiap minggu dari temen deket gw. Memang bukan freelance dari website khusus freelance seperti yg gw pikirin. Memang kliennya cuma 1 itu pun temen deket gw. Dan memang bayarannya pun ga seberapa. Tapi hey, itu semua udah check list toh? Sesuai dengan doa gw. Ya gak? Ahahha Gw berdoa lagi supaya dapet side job lebih byk, bukan cuma dari temen deket gw doang. Berbulan2 tidak ada hilal. Gw pikir kyk, oh udahlah, mungkin side jobnya cukup dari temen deket gw aja. Ternyata temen online gw kemarin mau buka saweran aka patreon buat fan tl kita, dan gw diundang lagi sebagai typesetter. Memang blm jalan dan ini masih rencana sih, tapi gw bener2 ga expect karna dia berkali2 bilang ga mau monetisasi hobi dia. Dia ngehobby pure untuk senang senang. Gw langsung mikir kyk, oh apa ini jawabannya?  Tahun lalu gw pgn bange...

setress gw!

 ngeblog biar ga setressss.....

Still didnt make any action. Sigh

 I searched on my laptop about job vacancy for several days but i still didnt apply. My mind told me that i cant do this, i am not better for those jobs. I felt insecure. I really wanna leave from my current job, not because i dont like being there, but i should go to another places, make a new journey and connection, and find a lot of opportunities out there. Since i am turning 26 next month, i should rushed to take action. I dont wanna feel stuck. I want to grow.  But maybe i am too lazy for make all of damn plans achieved. I still felt like i am not enough, so i waited again until i can prove myself that i deserve to leave. Even i dont know my clear plans are. It was vague plans all this time. So what sholud i do god? What would you do to me, universe? Tell me pls

Feeling disgust

 I am done with him. I dont think he attracted to me. The stares that he gave, his responds, his actions, his facial expressions screams he didnt want me. He was just being friendly all this time. I was the only friend at work, so who is the person that might be his chat buddy if it wasnt me? And how he sees a girl/woman felt soo.... 'Men'. It looked like he was objectivying women. His true views, his sexual attractions, his actions. And he still defended his own words by saying, 'Namanya juga laki-laki'. Ughhh And dont remind me about his opinion which he would date a girl, if she is benefit him. Ughhhhhh.... He just human anyway. Now i dont think i would seek validation from him anymore. I would move on.