Tulisan Asal : Reborn!

 i did nothing today other than finishing my comic-collab page and writing my all my thoughts on my blog. well atleast i wrote in english, so i was practi c ing that though. my english skills havent really improve since the day i started english on this blog. maybe there was a little improvement here and there but i didnt realize it. still, my level is b1, just like one year ago. i am still disappointed that i couldnt raised my standard/score this whole year. i want to get 550 on toefl. but can i get that? my grammar is still messy. i mix up all the grammar rules . why do other people get that score so easily? they even have really good speaking skills without a single stutter. they are very smooth and fluent. like right now , i am writing my thoughts in english, but i still can not figure out some words. why is it so hard to be fluent in a 2nd language? people who are really good at make me jealous. literally. i want to be like them so bad ly . them complaining in en...

i feel sad right now. i have to quickly find new job. my current job is ... unrealiable. my anxiety came again and made me procrastinate on finishing my whole plan  for finding a new job. i am so pissed at myself. i cant do anything right. like, i always doing something wrong. you can see all the grammar mistakes i made in this diary blog. my english skill s still suck, but i have to make them better as soon as possible cause this has to be one of my other skills besides my mediocre graphic design skill. i am never good at anything . Everything I make feels mid, and the skills I have are just the basic skills everyone else has . but i dream big enough to get a corporate job. how am i supposed to convince myself that i can pull that off? i dont feel confident enough for this. i wanna cryy. i am confused. i wanna switch careers to data entry or admin, but i dont have enough excel skills. i have to work on that. but what should i do first? rewrite my cv? edit my entire por...

 they all make me feel unimportant. my college friend has not even respond ed my chat yet. yet she posted the comic i made for her last night, but she chose not to comment or respond my question on wa since tuesday. maybe she was so busy that my chat didnt seem important to her. but why so suddenly? she never did that before. my hangout friend too, she didnt respond to my last message . and my coworker looked so busy this week. my last chat has not even been seen by him even though i wrote and sent my reply as soon as possible after he message me. like, the moment he texted me, i sent my answer, but he didnt respond. did he even look at the notification? did he hear the notification sound? or when he took a lunch break, did he even check his phone? but it didnt seem like he did . i am here anyway , like an unemployed, bored, disinterested, unmotivated young woman at 26, seeking all the validation from others , that i want . the reality is so upsetting. i am nev...

 Gw lagi2 merasa insecure bgt dibanding temen2 lama gw. Temen lama yg gw maksud itu kyk temen smp sma gitu deh. Kyk mereka udah banyak banget pencapaian. Udah banyak banget perubahan positif. Sedangkan gw masih terlihat gini2 aja. Bahkan banyak orang bilang muka gw ga berubah dari dulu. Gw bener2 pgn tau deh apa sih sisi positif gw dari kacamata orang lain. Karna gw ga bisa melihat apa2 dari diri gw. Emang sih ada yg bilang gw kritis, gw kreatif, work ethic gw bagus. Tapi gw tetep aja ga percaya itu semua. Gw tetep minta penjelasan logis dari semua pernyataan itu. Gw sangat tidak percaya dan yakin. Bahkan gw ga merasa diri gw cantik. Ya ampun, kok gw gini bgt ya. Ditambah gw jomblo makin meyakinkan gw memang ga menarik di pasaran. Gw ga tau apa yg bagus dari diri gw. Gw ga tau lagi mau nulis apa. Udah lah gw lanjut nnati Agembul

today, i had the opportunity to get my skck done. i am still off from work due to the small numbers of client orders (since my company heavily relies on client orders to make this business work). and it has been already 3 days i am off from work . so i thought it was a sign for me to do my skck today. i was collected all the documents for skck, like kk, ktp, surat sidik jari, etc. and you know what? in the end they only needed 2 ktp-copies, and payment bill. that's it. shittt, why did it feel so complicated last year? i had to copy my kk or whatever it is. and also i gave some 4x6 photos to them. so that's why i prepared too much for this. the at the office was very rude. like i know she was tired of her job, but can you be more gentle and friendly? i made a mistake for not really pay attention to what she said, but her reaction was so unfriendly. like she was really upset with me. i got bad mood for entire skck session and the worst that i was hungry too. it didnt stop there. ...

 At this point gw merasa perasaan crush gw ke gw itu ga sama kyk perasaan gw ke crush gw. Kyknya dia menganggap gw temen yg asik diajak bercanda aja. Gw jadi comfort girl dia ketika dia butuh validasi. Entah itu validasi dalam bentuk pamer, didengarkan, atau simplenya mau dilihat sebagai laki laki kuat. Apa yg dia lakukan ke gw itu sangat2 ambigu. Tapi gw harus yakinin diri gw, kalo sampe lu bingung dan dia ngasih sinyal ambigu mulu tanpa action, kemungkinan memamg lu cuma jadi comfort friend aja. Dan sampai saat ini dia masih begitu. Ah au ah gw males lanjutinnya