Tulisan Asal : Reborn!

 At this point gw merasa perasaan crush gw ke gw itu ga sama kyk perasaan gw ke crush gw. Kyknya dia menganggap gw temen yg asik diajak bercanda aja. Gw jadi comfort girl dia ketika dia butuh validasi. Entah itu validasi dalam bentuk pamer, didengarkan, atau simplenya mau dilihat sebagai laki laki kuat. Apa yg dia lakukan ke gw itu sangat2 ambigu. Tapi gw harus yakinin diri gw, kalo sampe lu bingung dan dia ngasih sinyal ambigu mulu tanpa action, kemungkinan memamg lu cuma jadi comfort friend aja. Dan sampai saat ini dia masih begitu. Ah au ah gw males lanjutinnya

 Gw rasa doa doa gw mulai terkabul. Ya terkabul, walaupun beda dari yg gw bayangin. Ahah.. Misalnya, gw pernah kepengen bgt punya side income. Dan ya akhirnya gw dapet jokian tiap minggu dari temen deket gw. Memang bukan freelance dari website khusus freelance seperti yg gw pikirin. Memang kliennya cuma 1 itu pun temen deket gw. Dan memang bayarannya pun ga seberapa. Tapi hey, itu semua udah check list toh? Sesuai dengan doa gw. Ya gak? Ahahha Gw berdoa lagi supaya dapet side job lebih byk, bukan cuma dari temen deket gw doang. Berbulan2 tidak ada hilal. Gw pikir kyk, oh udahlah, mungkin side jobnya cukup dari temen deket gw aja. Ternyata temen online gw kemarin mau buka saweran aka patreon buat fan tl kita, dan gw diundang lagi sebagai typesetter. Memang blm jalan dan ini masih rencana sih, tapi gw bener2 ga expect karna dia berkali2 bilang ga mau monetisasi hobi dia. Dia ngehobby pure untuk senang senang. Gw langsung mikir kyk, oh apa ini jawabannya?  Tahun lalu gw pgn bange...

 ngeblog biar ga setressss.....

 I searched on my laptop about job vacancy for several days but i still didnt apply. My mind told me that i cant do this, i am not better for those jobs. I felt insecure. I really wanna leave from my current job, not because i dont like being there, but i should go to another places, make a new journey and connection, and find a lot of opportunities out there. Since i am turning 26 next month, i should rushed to take action. I dont wanna feel stuck. I want to grow.  But maybe i am too lazy for make all of damn plans achieved. I still felt like i am not enough, so i waited again until i can prove myself that i deserve to leave. Even i dont know my clear plans are. It was vague plans all this time. So what sholud i do god? What would you do to me, universe? Tell me pls

 I am done with him. I dont think he attracted to me. The stares that he gave, his responds, his actions, his facial expressions screams he didnt want me. He was just being friendly all this time. I was the only friend at work, so who is the person that might be his chat buddy if it wasnt me? And how he sees a girl/woman felt soo.... 'Men'. It looked like he was objectivying women. His true views, his sexual attractions, his actions. And he still defended his own words by saying, 'Namanya juga laki-laki'. Ughhh And dont remind me about his opinion which he would date a girl, if she is benefit him. Ughhhhhh.... He just human anyway. Now i dont think i would seek validation from him anymore. I would move on.

 Gw lagi2 dimasa depresi. Beberapa hari ini gw nangis terus karena merasa hidup gw mentok. Ga bisa kemana2. Gw ngeliat temen smp gw nikah. Well ya gpp, cuman gw pikir temen gw ini sejenis sama gw, ansos. Tapi dia tiba2 nikah. Oh well, suaminya satu kampus lagi. Berarti dia udh pacaran lama dong! Trus 1 tahun  lalu kenap dia bilang seakan2 love lifenya suram? Ajg lah, gw jadi kesel sendiri. Trus fase hidup temen2 yg lain kyk lahiran, jalan sama temen, jalan2 ke luar negeri, punya kerjaan prestisius bikin gw makin down. Ajg hidup gw ga kemana2 taee.. Keselnya lagi, gw gagal daftar ppg karna administrasi. Jurusan gw gak ada! Fuckkk Recruitment bumb gagal karena server down. Cpns karna masalah administrasi. Dah lah! Yg gw lakukan cuma bengong, procrastinate dan repeat. Kyk semua muanya suram. Kondisi ekonomi begini lagi. Ah kapan sih gw sukses... Sukses?? Ahajhajsjqkal Agembul

 Gw capek deh ngomong sama dia. Dia itu selalu cari validasi, iya validasi ttg kehebatan dia.dia ga pernah denger cerita gw, dia bahkan ga mau tau cerita gw. Trus buat apa gw terus2an makan ego dia. Iya, at one point gw kagum. Tapi skrg he is just any human being. Buruh validasi. Nope! Gw ga mau lagi insecure karna dia yg selalu butuh validasi. Gw pynya pace dan waktu sendiri. Gw tetep berharga. Gw cuma butuh waktu!

This year, economic is decreasing day by day. And it's also affect me on daily life. Every possibility to apply new jobs just fade out. Thinking it was useless and i wasnt enough for those roles. I lose my hope, i lose my motivation. I cant enjoy every small things in my life. My life, heart, brain feel empty. Damn it! i wanna swearing with bad words loudlyyyyyyy!!

Akhir 2025 ini gw sangat2 pesimis dengan arah hidup gw. Mungkin karena gw kebanyakan baca berita doomposting, penjualan di kantor yang turun terus, kesempatan daftar asn yang selalu gagal di bagian administrasi, manifesting gw yang ga kesampean, dan lain lain. Gw jadi kehilangan motivasi. Semua yg gw lakukan terasa sia2. Ah ngapain dikerjain, hasilnya aja ga ada. Ah ga usah diterusin, ga mungkin berhasil..  pikiran-pikiran kyk gitu selalu muncul di otak gw dan mereka selalu menang hingga menguasai tubuh dan motivasi gw. Ada lagi gw ngeliat temen smp gw, yg gw pikir tadinya dia hidupnya 11 12 sama gw. Dia anak tunggal yg ga dibolehin merantau sama ortunya. Yah gw sih ngeliatnya masih depend on parents bgt ya, kyk gw gitulah. walaupun dia lebih kaya dan lebih pinter yg ngebuat hidupnya masih kelihatan lebih stabil. Contohnya, dibikin kafe sama ortunya misalnya. Tapi gw liat hari2 dia yaaa kyk gw deh, chronically online, keliatan cupu jg, dan terlihat ga punya pacar. Gw mungkin berasu...